Pachelbel Rant

But I’ll sing the melody right now
Ba da da da da da da, da da da da da da da da da da da da da
Yeah, Pachelbel’s Canon in D
It was a big hit in the classical world and I know this because I’m a geek
I know what you’re thinking
«Rob, you can’t be a geek, you play guitar, you’re so cool!»
Okay, you weren’t thinking that, but I was
Well, I haven’t always been this cool because I haven’t always played guitar
I started out on the cello
Yeah, the cello is a wonderful, beautiful instrument
It’s cool to be an adult that plays the cello
Being a kid that played the cello sucked
Because there’s no way to be cool when your instrument is larger than you
When you walk to school with a cello you’re like a wounded gazelle on the
Serengeti, man
The bullies just smell you comin' from a mile away
«Ooh, I don’t know what that thing is, but I know I’m going to break it!»
But I put up with all of the abuse because I loved the music that we played
I loved everything we played in orchestra except this
I hate Pachelbel’s Canon in D with a passion
I hate it so much because the cello part
Is the worst cello part ever written in the history of cello parts
It’s eight quarter notes that we repeated over and over again, they are as
follows
And that’s all we got to play
We repeated those eight notes 54 times, I counted
Because I had nothing else to do
I would sit back and listen to the violins get lovely melodies
The violas would get lovely melodies, the second violins would get lovely
melodies
Which should just not happen
And the cello, we got stuck with eight crappy, lousy, stinkin' notes
And I began to wonder, why?
Why would Pachelbel do that to us, such a beautiful instrument?
And my theory was, he once dated a cellist
And she dissed him really bad
So for the rest of his life he came up with the worst cello parts he could ever
think of
It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t hear him every day
I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking «Rob, don’t listen to classical
radio anymore!»
I… it doesn’t matter
Pachelbel’s following me
It sounds paranoid but he’s following you too, you hear him every day
I don’t know, I went to my step-nephew in law’s eighth grade graduation
And their graduation song was a song by Vitamin C, no
«As we go on, we’ll remember»
La da da da da da da da da da da
So on the drive home I turned on some classic rock, some Aerosmith
«There was a time when I was so broken-hearted»
La da da da da da da da da da da
So I got home, I thought I’d clear my mind with some folk music, no
«Listen children to my story, it was written long ago»
A ba da da da da da da da da da da da da da
They do Pachelbel just like everybody does Pachelbel, just to torment me
I don’t even go to Taco Bell anymore, because it sounds too close
I hate Pachelbel with a passion and I don’t even know his first name
It’s probably Johann, they’re all named Johann
When you think about it, he’s the original one-hit wonder
He had one hit 300 years ago, it’s my cross to bear my entire life
Where are they now, that’s what I want to know, where are you now, Pachelbel?
VH1's I Love the 1790s! Where is it?
And if he would just stay away from music that I loved it would be better
But he won’t, he is shameless, he will follow me to the ends of the earth
I went to H.O.R.D.E. Festival thinking
«No, he couldn’t possibly follow me to the H.O.R.D.E. Festival»
But you know who was at the H.O.R.D.E. Festival? Blues Traveler!
So that means that Pachelbel was also at the H.O.R.D.E. Festival
«Suck it in, suck it in, suck it in where you’re Anne Boleyn or Rin Tin Tin
Make a desperate move and then you’re in»
A da da da da da da da da da da da da da da
So I figure I’m gonna listen to punk rock for the rest of my life
No dice
«Do you have the time to listen to me whine?»
A-ba da da da da da da da da da da
Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da
You know, I’m getting really bored
'Cause all songs have the same damn chords
Punk music is a joke, it’s really just baroque
Am I just paranoid?
A na na, na na, na na, na na, na na, na na
«I want to push you around, well I will I will
I want to push you down, well I will I»
«Whoa-ho, it’s been good living with you»
«In my machinehead, is better than the rest, my machinehead is better than the»
«See the stone set in her eye, see the thorn twist in her»
«I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed, lying naked on the floor»
«He was a boy, she was a girl, could it be any more obvious?»
«We're not gonna take it, no, we ain’t gonna take it»
«On your mark get set and go now, got a dream and we just know now»
«No woman, no cry»
When I find myself in times of trouble, Pachelbel’s always following me
I’ll see you in hell, Pachelbel
Oh, Pachelbel, Pachelbel, I’ll see your ass in hell
I’ll see you in hell, Pachelbel
Thank you so much Penn State!
Enjoy the rest of the show, thanks