Glamorous

Darling, I’m Glamorous
In case you hadn’t heard
I’ve got jewels on my tool
And I shit out diamond turds
If you ever thought me crass
Oh, well, my dear
That’s just absurd
Because darling, I’m glamorous
In case you hadn’t heard
Every time that I sit down and start to take a shit
It’s like heaven’s gates fly open
And the lord descends from it
And every little piece of corn
Sparkles like a precious gem
I’ve got rose quartz on my hemorrhoids
That’s why you all love them
And on the other side of me
I sprinkle down a stream of gold
Yes, that’s 14 carrots, darling
And it’s going down your throat
Yes, my pubes are made of cashmere
And you know the rumor’s true
I’ve got gonorrhea emeralds
And they’re dripping down on you
You’re welcome
Darling, I’m Glamorous
In case you hadn’t heard
I’ve got jewels on my tool
And I shit out diamond turds
If you ever thought me crass
Oh, well, my dear
That’s just absurd
Because darling, I’m glamorous
In case you hadn’t heard
I’m starting my own movement
And it’s coming from my bowels
It’s in all the fashion magazines
It’s really in right now
It’s a splash of red and sometimes green
But mostly, dear, it’s brown
It’s in all the hippest bathrooms
And the alleyways downtown
And I called my doctor on the phone
Since fame can make one sick
And he asked me for a sample
I hung up and had a fit
If you think I’m cheap or nasty
Then you clearly don’t know me
'Cause I shit out Ghirardelli
And I don’t do it for free!
Darling, I’m Glamorous
In case you hadn’t heard
I’ve got jewels on my tool
And I shit out diamond turds
If you ever thought me crass
Oh, well, my dear
That’s just absurd
Because darling, I’m glamorous
In case you hadn’t heard
Oh, did I forget my jewelry line?
Oh, silly little me
I’m a master of pearl necklaces
Look at your man and see
He’s been wearing one I made myself
And if you’ll trust my eye
It goes quite well with the gerbil fur
I pulled out my behind
And no matter what he says, my dear
You know I speak the truth
They aren’t herpes, love
They’re rubies
Yes, and you’ll soon have them too
You’re welcome