I'm Not Afraid of Zombies

An idea that has really spread
Is people could become undead
That a virus or a fungus
Could make zombies walk among us
Movies games and TV shows
Helped this zombie craze to grow
Now everywhere you go these days
The zombie trend is all the rage
Everywhere I look
There’s a new story or a book
That uses zombies as a way
To show society’s decay
But with zombie antagonists
There’s something everyone has missed
An omission pretty glaring
See, zombies aren’t that scary
'Cause zombies don’t run
They’re easy to flee from
They don’t use shotguns, that’s why I’m not afraid of zombies
They’re not too smart
They don’t use golf carts
I’ve seen worse at Wal-Mart, that’s why I’m not afraid of zombies anymore
People call me cavalier
But I think that it’s pretty clear
That I could overpower
A thing that walks one mile-per-hour
Maybe they’d be scarier
If they weren’t so inferior
If they had some more ambition
Maybe became politicians
But zombies don’t make plans
They’re about as dumb as plants
And their skills aren’t well-regarded
They’re just slowly moving targets
I don’t mean to gloat
You could defeat them with a moat
If there’s a zombie on my lawn
I think the most I’d do is yawn
They may be gory
But they’re truly boring
I’ll just out in bumpy flooring, that’s why I’m not afraid of zombies
You can burn 'em
And they just murmur
They’re slow learners, that’s why I’m not afraid of zombies
They look hungover
Even when sober
They’re easy to run over, that’s why I’m not afraid of zombies
I’m not lying
I won’t be dying
They’re barely trying
That’s why I’m not afraid of zombies anymore
People would say that they fear zombies
If you took a poll
But I think what they really fear
Is a world out of control
Zombies aren’t too scary
I mean, heck, they barely move
But the fact we can’t survive alone
Is what they really prove
A symbol of our dependence
And that’s a source of tension
Needing other people
Is something we don’t like to mention
So fear a war or plague
Or societal breakdowns
But don’t fear any zombies
Just mow those mothers down
They may look intense
But they’re quite dense
They don’t play defense, that’s why I’m not afraid of zombies
Their brains are tiny
If they get behind me
I’ll throw out something shiny, that’s why I’m not afraid of zombies
They can’t do addition
Or make decisions
They have bad vision, that’s why I’m not afraid of zombies
I’m not playing
I’ll be zombie slaying
They’re already decaying, that’s why I’m not afraid of zombies anymore