Lifesick

Was I always this way?
Feeling half-mast trying to remember
I must forget the feelings that last
First thing when I wake up that
Repeats on my mind like old photographs
Begins with everyone I love
But only ends with myself
Because I pulled them in close before I let them all go
Pushed them to the side and struggled on with life
Pretending when I see them that everything’s fine but I’m not okay
I’m so sick of these lies
I’m so tired
Believe me I’ve tried
But I’m giving up on living
How long till it’s my time?
Where’s your life heading?
Where’s your life heading?
Where’s your life heading?
Where’s your life heading?
I know you don’t mean it condescending
I want to reply my life’s descending
Instead of pausing and pretending then defending my intentions
Masked by small talk to change the direction
And it will end with a smile and no detection
Just faked friendly affection
I’m so sorry I let you down
Apologies won’t change who I am