John Willie's Performing Newt

In a Cowboy picture, once I saw a horse get steaming drunk.
They say that in America there’s a man who tamed a skunk.
You can go to the Bahamas, Casablanca or Beirut,
But you’ll find nowt there that can compare with John Willie’s Performing Newt.
What a belter what a dancer,
He couldn’t sing a word, he’s mute,
He could dance the slippers off a centipede,
John Willie’s performing newt
A brilliant escapologist this rare amphibian being,
This dreadnought eft performed some feats that Kings have enjoyed seeing.
He can wriggle ‘cross a red hot grate with glowing coals and logs on.
Never once has he singed his feet: he always keeps his clogs on.
What a belter what a dancer,
He couldn’t sing a word, he’s mute,
He could dance the slippers off a centipede,
John Willie’s performing newt
In Cadiz they call him Pistazza and prefer him to the bull,
When he dances to Flamenco hear the deadly Spanish lull.
He wriggles to the rhythm of the drum, guitar and lute
And the Senoritas shout «bravo» John Willie’s Pistazza Newt.
What a belter what a dancer,
He couldn’t sing a word, he’s mute,
He could dance the slippers off a centipede,
John Willie’s performing newt
He danced before John Wayne one day, you should have seen him buzz
When told he came from Oldham big John said «The Hell he does»
Said he must have been born in Texas, such a talented galloot,
This rootin' tootin' son of a gun John Willie’s Performing Newt.
What a belter what a dancer,
He couldn’t sing a word, he’s mute,
He could dance the slippers off a centipede,
John Willie’s performing newt