We're Afraid to Have to Have Christmas

No big juicy turkey, no Dream Whip jella
Why risk botulism, or even salmonella?
Christmas cookies are fattening, I’ll just stick with these
Pass me another rice cake please
Drive to the mall to buy presents, you say?
But only a fool would leave the driveway!
There’s drunks on the road full of holiday cheer
And hopped-up psycho gangs wearing bandoleers
The department store Santa may be a nice enough chap
But my kids aren’t climbing on some stranger’s lap
And the presents we buy and can’t afford at all
Will only get stolen before we reach the car
Someone save us from ourselves
We may get mugged by a gang of elves
How could we be so cavalier?
We’re afraid to have Christmas this year!
Life should be long, not short and rotten
We want to live like fancy dishes wrapped up in cotton
Who could be happy with danger so near?
We’re afraid to have Christmas this year!
Hey! Don’t hang that mistletoe
That stuff is deadly poison, you know
And leave that old yule log right there on the lawn
If there’s a clog in the flue, we’ll all be dead by dawn
A string of Christmas lights is so merry and bright
But what will happen if they’re not hooked up right?
The Christmas tree then becomes a ball of flames
Then who can we sue? Who can we blame?
Watch out! Wrapping paper, you might get cut
Or you could lose a filling eating that bowl of nuts
Imagine what would happen if an ornament broke — oh!
Razor sharp glass landing in your cocoa
Heart attacks, accidents and electrocution
Robbery, mayhem, what an institution!
With all this danger on Christmas morning
Shouldn’t there at least be a government warning?
Someone save us from ourselves
We may get mugged by a gang of elves
How could we be so cavalier?
We’re afraid to have Christmas this year!
(You mean we’re not gonna have Christmas?)
Yes, we’re afraid to have Christmas this year!
(Ohhhh…)