Lifeboat

Teacher: Good morning, class!
Class: Good morning, Mrs. Aryan
Teacher: Today we’re going to play a game!
Class: Yeah!
Teacher: This game is called Lifeboat. All together…
Class: Lifeboat!
Teacher: Good! Lifeboat is a lesson in values clarification. Can you say values
clarification?
Class: No
Teacher: Values clarification is where your little minds decide which lives are
worth living and which lives are worth… ahem…not living. Now here’s how we
play. A big ship just sank. There are five people on the lifeboat.
But the lifeboat is only made for two. I’ll list the five people on the
chalkboard, and you, class, will decide which three will be thrown overboard.
Are we ready?
Class: Yes, Mrs. Aryan
Teacher: Good! First, there’s an old, old crippled grandfather. Second,
there’s a mentally handicapped person in a wheelchair
Alison: What’s mentally handicapped?
Teacher: It means they can never be a productive members of society.
Third, there’s an overweight woman on welfare, with a sniffling,
whimpering baby
Max: Is the baby on welfare, too?
Teacher: Let’s not push Mrs. Aryan…
Sydney: Who else is in the boat?
Teacher: A young, white doctor with blue eyes and perfect teeth,
and Joan Collins. Now, class, take five minutes to make your decision. …
Times up! Well class?
Class: (singing)
Throw over grandpa 'cause he’s getting pretty old
Throw out the baby or we’ll all be catching it’s cold
Throw over fatty and we’ll see if she can float
Throw out the retard, and they won’t be rockin' the boat
Teacher: Very good! That was fun, wasn’t it?
Class: Yes, Mrs. Aryan
Teacher: For our next lesson, we’re going to do an experiment!
Class: Yeah!
Teacher: We’re going to test the law of gravity, just like Galileo,
by dropping two objects out the window--one heavy and one light--to see which
one hits the sidewalk first. Now what shall we use for the lighter object?
I’m thinking of something small and square…
Class: An eraser?
Teacher: Good! And what shall we use for the heavy object? I’m thinking of
something round and bouncy… Tommy, I haven’t given you permission to leave
your seat… class, the bell has not rung. What are you… oohh! Class…
put me down! Put me down this instant! Ooohhh! Ooohhh!
Class: (singing)
Throw over teacher and we’ll see if she can bounce
We’ve learned our lesson--teacher says perfection’s what counts
She’s getting old and gray and wears an ugly coat
Throw over teacher and we’ll play another game of lifeboat