Opening Doors

FRANK
How’s it going?
CHARLEY
Good. You?
FRANK
Fair
CHARLEY
Yeah, tell me
FRANK
Chinese laundry
MARY
Hi
FRANK
Mary?
CHARLEY
Say hello
MARY
I think I got a job
FRANK
Where?
MARY
True Romances
FRANK
Posing?
MARY
Thank you. Writing captions
FRANK
What about the book?
MARY
What about the book?
FRANK
Nothing, are you working on your book?
MARY
Yes?
FRANK
Good
MARY
No?
FRANK
Mary?
MARY
Right, I know, yes, me and Balzac?
CHARLEY
I finished the one-act
FRANK
I got an audition
MARY
I started the story
FRANK
Rehearsal pianist
CHARLEY
So where are we eating?
MARY
I’m moving to Playboy
FRANK
The publisher called me
CHARLEY
I’m doing a rewrite
MARY
My parents are coming
FRANK
I saw My Fair Lady
CHARLEY
I rewrote the rewrite
FRANK
I sort of enjoyed it
MARY
I threw out the story
CHARLEY
I’m meeting an agent
ALL
We’ll all get together on Sunday
We’re opening doors
Singing, «Here we are!»
We’re filling up days
On out dime
That faraway shore’s
Looking not too far
We’re following every star?
There’s not enough time!
FRANK
I called a producer
CHARLEY
I sent off the one-act
MARY
I started the story
FRANK
He said to come see him
CHARLEY
I dropped out of college
MARY
I met this musician
FRANK
I’m playing a nightclub
CHARLEY
They’re doing my one-act!
MARY
I’m working for Redbook
FRANK
I rewrote the ballad
MARY
I finished the story
CHARLEY
We started rehearsals
MARY
I threw out the story
And then the musician
I’m moving to Popular Science
ALL
We’re opening doors
Singing, «Look who’s here!»
Beginning to sail
On out dime
That faraway shore’s
Getting very near!
We haven’t a thing to fear
We haven’t got time!
FRANK
How’s it coming?
CHARLEY
Good. You?
FRANK
Done
CHARLEY
One minute?
FRANK
Hamburg Heaven
MARY
Hi
FRANK
Mary?
CHARLEY
Say hello
MARY
I got another job
FRANK
Where?
MARY
Chic
FRANK
What’s that?
MARY
A brand-new concept:
Pop-up pictures
FRANK
What about the book?
MARY
What about the book?
FRANK
Did you give the publisher the book?
MARY
Yes?
FRANK
Good
MARY
No?
FRANK
Mary?
MARY
Look, I never?
CHARLEY
Finished!
FRANK
Let me call you back
MARY
Right
CHARLEY
This is just a draft
FRANK
Right
CHARLEY
Probably it stinks
FRANK
Right
CHARLEY
Haven’t had the time to do a polish
FRANK
Will you sing?1
CHARLEY
Right
«Who wants to live in New York?
Who wants the worry, the noise, the dirt, the heat?
Who wants the garbage cans clanging in the street?
Suddenly I do
They’re always popping their cork «I'll fix that line
«The cops, the cabbies, the salesgirls up at Saks
You gotta have a real taste for maniacs?
Suddenly I do!»
JOE
That’s great. That’s swell
The other stuff as well
It isn’t every day
I hear a score this strong
But fellas, if I may
There’s only one thing wrong:
There’s not a tune you can hum
There’s not a tune you go bum-bum-bum-di-dum
You need a tune you can bum-bum-bum-di-dum?
Give me a melody!
Why can’t you throw 'em a crumb?
What’s wrong with letting 'em tap their toes a bit?
I’ll let you know when Stravinsky has a hit?
Give me some melody!
Oh sure, I know
It’s not that kind of show
But can’t you have a score
That’s sort of in between?
Look, play a little more
I’ll show you what I mean?
CHARLEY
«Who wants to live in New York?
I’ve always hated the dirt, the heat, the noise
But ever since I met you, I -»
JOE
Listen, boys
Maybe it’s me
But that’s just not a hummmmmmmmmmmmmable melody!
Write more, work hard
Leave your name with the girl
Less avant-garde
Leave your name with the girl
Just write a plain old melodee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee
Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee
CHARLEY
They’re stopping rehearsals
They ran out of money
MARY
We lasted one issue
My book was rejected
FRANK
The nightclub was raided
I have to start coaching
MARY
My parents are coming
CHARLEY
They screwed up the laundry
FRANK
My wallet was stolen
MARY
I saw the musician
CHARLEY
We’re being evicted
MARY
I’m having a breakdown
ALL
We’ll all get together on Sunday
They’re slamming doors
Singing, «Go away!»
It’s less of a sail
Than a climb
That faraway shore’s
Farther every day
We’re learning to ricochet?
We still have a lot to say?
FRANK
You know what we’ll do?
CHARLEY
What?
FRANK
We’ll do a revue
CHARLEY
What?
MARY
What?
FRANK
We’ll do a revue of our own!
MARY
What?
CHARLEY
Where?
MARY
Why?
CHARLEY
When?
FRANK
Not just songs, but stories, scenes
Piano pieces, mime?
CHARLEY
Yeah!
MARY
Frankly Frank?
FRANK
A showcase of our own?
CHARLEY
Where?
FRANK
The club’s reopening
MARY
We’ll write a lot of new stuff?
CHARLEY
Rewrite the old stuff?
FRANK
What about the girl?
CHARLEY
What about the girl?
FRANK
Only that we’re gonna need a girl
CHARLEY
Well, Mary?
MARY
Thanks, I don’t perform except at dinner
GIRL AUDITIONING
«Who wants to live in New York?
Who wants the worry, the noise, the dirt, the heat?
Who wants the garbage cans -»
I can sing higher-
FRANK
Thank you for coming
Next eight, please
BETH
«They're always popping their cork»
FRANK
Up a tone
BETH
«The cops, the cabbies, the salesgirls up at Saks»
FRANK
Up a tone
BETH
«You gotta have a real taste for maniacs»
FRANK
Thank you. You’re hired
BETH
I’m Beth
FRANK
I’m Frank
BETH
I really thought I stank
MARY
I’m Mary
CHARLEY
Charley
FRANK
By the way
I’m told we open Saturday
MARY, BETH AND CHARLEY
What!
MARY
You’re not serious!
CHARLEY
Nobody’s ready!
FRANK
Apparently someone cancelled a booking
CHARLEY
The songs aren’t finished
MARY
And what about costumes?
BETH
And how do I learn all these numbers?
FRANK
I’ll bring you the copies of everything later this evening
BETH
Okay, but I’ll have to have all the music, and
Saturday I’ve got to sing at a wedding. Oh
God, is there dancing, 'cause I’m not a dancer?
CHARLEY
Not to mention I still haven’t finished the
Synanon song or the Kennedy number?
FRANK
You don’t have to, we’ll segue the
End of it into the dance we cut out?
CHARLEY
And what’ll we do about getting publicity
Run around town putting stickers on windows?
MARY
And have we decided or not on the restaurant sketch?
I need two or three days to replace it
FRANK
No, we’ll use it but not with the long introduction
ALL
We’ll worry about it on Sunday!
We’re opening doors, singing, «Here we are!»
We’re filling up days on our dime
That faraway shore’s looking not too far
We’re following every star?
There’s not enough time!
We’re banging on doors, shouting, «Here again!»
We’re risking it all on our dime
That faraway shore’s looking near again
The only thing left is when
We know we should count to ten?
We haven’t got time!
We haven’t got time!