Martyrs

Like an orphan I wander
Stare at my lost mother’s wonder
You gave me relief and I cause you pain
Is it dead faint or am I going insane
Disconnected in space and far gone in time
I’m cast away in the whirlwinds of my mind
Every step forward makes two steps back
Is it dead faint in a world painted black
I envy the martyrs
A life for nothing, a death for it all
Nobody hides in the sky
Wherever I go I feel home and displaced
Can any welcome give trust that remains
Since time’s a river and I can’t seem to grasp
Is it dead faint or just the shadow life casts
The way I was born leaves me with doubt and blame
I want to unlearn and start over again
Liberation, my very last breath
I understand now, dead faint is the essence of death
I envy the martyrs
A life for nothing, a death for it all
Nobody hides in the sky
The monuments, a failure
Nothing left to take
All they reveal
The arrogance of meaning
The fear of being lost