January

I think i’ve been feeling some change in my life
Like more optimistic maybe, or more alive
Could be 'cause we finally moved to the new place
Or 'cause I got this job offer that might earn me a raise
Yeah i’m almost sure something in me is more sound
The other day I even found parking downtown
And there was no traffic on the way home for quite a while
And some chick at the bar told me that I have a nice smile
It was B’s birthday last week we saw the new Woody Allen
It was about the importance of luck in our lives
I liked it, believed it, didn’t mind the british accent
Could relate to the thin line between morals and lies
After the film we started talking about cinema and music
Similarities between the two
Minutes later B and I we were discussing the future
Which is something that since you passed- we almost don’t do
Your absence from my life
It hurts me it burns me
From the inside it stings
But in all honesty
I must admit that
Sometimes i live other things
I lost my voice before a show last week and got stressed out
Started thinking that this hoarseness is really about
My profession — that it’s my body saying cut it out already
Grow up already quit this bullshit find something steady
Something less nerve racking and more secure
Something that stays in one place and doesn’t tour
B’s pregnant now she’d love it if I’d work fewer hours
If we’d have some time that was actually ours
I went on dwelling getting more and more tense
Then in the midst of my anxiety I felt immense relief
Smiled to myself in disbelief
Because the fact that I still have to tackle this type of grief
Means at least one thing in my soul is still steady
That reflection alone helped my worries seem petty
Made my body less sweaty
When it was time to perform- well I felt almost ready
Your absence from my life
It hurts me it burns me
From the inside it stings
But in all honesty
I hope it’s ok that
Sometimes I live other things
I had this horrible dream last night in which I approached from a distance
At first you looked just like you did before the cancer did this
But when i got closer i noticed you were full of needle marks
And in your left palm you tried to conceal something dark
When i asked you to you showed me it was a pair of pliers
«I can’t help it!» you cried, «it's burning me! it’s burning me like fire!
And this twisting of my skin is the only way to ease my pain!»
I wanted to say something, do something- but I knew it was in vein
Your absence from my life
It hurts me it burns me
From the inside it’s stinging
And just when I think i have it under control
Like a church bell from hell it starts ringing