The Masturbation Tango!

masturbation! i cannot leave myself alone!
masturbation! i draw the blinds and start to groan
i feel a stirring in my loins, oh drat it!
am i the only one who’s at it?
masturbation! i even do it on the phone!
masturbation! is forever on my mind!
masturbation! by now i surely should be blind.
i’ll have to take myself in hand and see,
what’s this coming over me?
masturbation! well it helps me to unwind!
the pleasure that it brings is worth the price i pay.
and when i’m all alone it’s eighteen times a day!
masturbation! what a feeling, what a thrill!
masturbation! forget the condom and the pill.
if i gave it up i know i’d rue it.
even cold showers make me do it.
masturbation! my hand is never still!
masturbation! in the library in the pool!
masturbation! behind the bike shed while at school!
my favourite films are you know what…
‘willy wonker' and ‘camelot'.
masturbation! d.i.y…bring your own tool!
masturbation! i’ll gladly do it anywhere!
masturbation! you cannot beat the open air.
there is no need for flowers or conversation.
to add some spice, try flagellation!
masturbation! it’s the one thing i won’t share!
if one does it too much i’ve heard it can retard.
i’ve tried to stop, but frankly it’s so very hard!
masturbation! i’ll do it ‘till the day i die.
masturbation! at least i’m sure by god i’ll try.
you know i feel less tense for this emission.
why break the habit,
or tradition.
masturbation!
it’s my curriculum vitae!