Rub Some Bacon on It

I nailed my finger to a birdhouse accidentally
(Do you have some bacon?)
Bacon?
(Bacon, that’s right)
I have bacon left over from dinner last night
(Rub some bacon on it)
What?
(On your hand just do it, rub some bacon on it)
That’s all there is to it?
What if I dropped my phone?
(Rub some bacon on it)
Or encounter my clone?
(Rub some bacon on it)
I get mononucleosis
(Rub some bacon on it)
My nude pics get posted
Rub some bacon on it!
Yeah!
My home gets foreclosed
(Rub some bacon on it)
My cat explodes
(Rub some bacon on it)
I wake up in a trunk
(Rub some bacon on it)
My friend goes steampunk
(Rub some bacon on it)
I meet real pirates
(Rub some bacon on it)
There’s an awkward silence
I say something unintentionally racist
(Rub some bacon on it)
I’m an adult with braces
(Rub some bacon on it)
I can’t swim
(Rub some bacon on it)
I’m visited by Mr. Timn
(Bacon hotline, What’s your problem?)
What if I feed the troll?
(Rub some bacon on it)
I’m attacked by a narwhal
(Rub some bacon on it)
The apocalypse started
(Rub some bacon on it)
I think I might have sharted