The Baptism of Stumpy Brown

The day we baptized ol' Stumpy Brown
The river was so full and fast the poor man nearly drowned
We’d never had a baptismal service of that kind
That day ol' Stumpy left much more than his old life behind
Now Stumpy Brown was a veteran of many a foreign war
He lived a rowdy life, never gave his heart to God before
But when he reached his 90s, that old heart grew tender
And one stormy Sunday morning he came forward and surrendered
Now the preacher said we’ll baptize you next Sunday in the river
But Stumpy said as old as I am Rev, it’s gotta be now or never
Now the river was a torrent and the Preacher said think about this again
But Stumpy grabbed him by the hand, said come on Rev, we’re goin' in
The day we baptized ol' Stumpy Brown
The river was so full and fast the poor man nearly drowned
We’d never had a baptismal service of that kind
That day ol' Stumpy left much more than his old life behind
Well, the preacher plunged him 'neath the flood and a brand new man arose
But ol' Stumpy left more than his old man in that river heaven knows
He left his uppers and his lowers, his checkbook, credit cards
Yeah, a wad of bills, arthritis pills and the keys to both his cars
Glasses, toupee, but the thing I most recall
Is waving back to his artificial arms that went over the falls
Well, he paddled from the river and knelt there on the bank
We thought it was to praise the Lord and to stop and offer thanks
Then he finally yelled come help me, are ya gonna make me beg
Oh can’t you see I can’t get up, I’ve lost my wooden leg
The day we baptized ol' Stumpy Brown
Yeah, the river was so full and fast the poor man nearly drowned
We’d never seen a baptismal service of that kind
That day ol' Stumpy left much more than his old life behind