The Great Debate

On the other side, we have the true believers. We got the Baptists,
the Methodists, Presbyterians. The Episcopalians are here, pass the hat!
We got the Shakers, the Quakers, the anti-innoculators, the Big Boss Line from
Madison Town! The Six Blind Boys, Five Tons of Joy, give 'em room,
get out of the way! We got a Bible Belter from the Mississippi Delta.
Have them all arranged
Scientists, are you ready? First question: dark matter. Oh, dark matter.
Give me someone knows somethin' about space
(The Scientists send a representative.)
Nice space music, Georgie. All right, what is it? Where is it? Can we get some?
Stand up, sir, would you? You are standing, forgive me. Dark matter, go ahead
Dark matter is out in space
It’s seventy-five percent of everything—
Just a moment, sir. Do yourself a favor, use our music. People like it,
and your music’s making people sick! All right. It’s a free country, go ahead.
Dark matter, what is it?
We don’t know what it is, but we think it’s everywhere
I’d like to take a look at it. Can we get some down here?
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Of course not!
Let me get this straight: you don’t know what it is, you don’t know where it is,
and we can’t get any? Put that to the one side. Let’s put the Lord, faith,
eternity and whatever on the other side! Show of hands?
I’ll take Jesus, I’ll take Jesus, I’ll take Jesus every time!
I’ll take Jesus, I’ll take Jesus, I’ll take Jesus every time!
Yes I will, yes I will, yes I will, yes I will!
I’ll take Jesus, I’ll take Jesus, I’ll take Jesus every time!
All right, one-nothing! Next one’s gonna be a hard one. It’s about the theory
of evolution, and it’s about animals, also. So, give me someone knows somethin'
about evolution, and animals. Who you got?
(Scientists send a representative.)
Wow, you’re a beautiful woman, aren’t you? Doesn’t matter, of course,
but if this science thing doesn’t work out for you— oh, don’t boo me,
don’t boo me! I’m just kiddin' you, you know that. Here’s my question:
explain me the giraffe. Go ahead--
Elaborate?
With pleasure, miss. The giraffe, to survive, must eat leaves high up on the
Yabba Yabba tree. That’s true, isn’t it?
Of course it is. Everyone knows that!
But Mr. Darwin’s giraffe, the halfway-giraffe, with a halfway-giraffe neck,
could never have reached the highest branches of the Yabba Yabba.
Therefore, he could not have survived. It’s only common sense. Unfortunately
for you, Mr. Charles Darwin didn’t have any common sense! Evolution is a theory,
and we have just now, tonight, disproved it. Show of hands?
I’ll take Jesus, I’ll take Jesus, I’ll take Jesus every time!
I’ll take Jesus, I’ll take Jesus, I’ll take Jesus every time!
Yes I will, yes I will, yes I will, yes I will!
I’ll take Jesus every time!
(Applause from the gathered crowd.)
All right, two-nothing! Next question: global warming. Is it, and if so,
so what— One of the true believers seeks to be recognized. Hand him a mic,
Charles. Thank you
(The True Believer taps the microphone.)
Sir, do you know what you are? You’re an idiot. You’re a strawman,
a fabrication! You see, the author of this little vignette, Mr.
Newman, self-described atheist and commonist, creates characters, like you,
as objects of ridicule! He doesn’t believe anything he has you say,
nor does he want us to believe anything you say. Makes it easy for him to
knock you down, hence, a strawman. I, myself, believe in Jesus. I believe in
evolution, also. I believe in global warming, and in life everlasting.
No one can knock me down
Oh, we can knock you down, Mister! We can knock your commonist friend down, too!
Commonist… You call me an idiot! We’ve been knocking people like Mr.
Newman down for years and years! Like this: page 35, Georgie! Mrs.
Dorothy, page 35…
I know someone is watching me
Everywhere I go
Someone sees everything I see
Knows everything I know
When I’m in trouble, don’t have a friend
There’s still somebody on whom I can depend
Someone who’ll be there 'till the very end
Someone is watching me!
Someone is watching me!
Someone is watching me!
For so long, I was too blind to see
Someone is watching
Someone is watching
Someone is watching me!
Take a little break, ladies and gentlemen. Fifteen, twenty, twenty-five minutes,
depending on how the merchandise is moving. We’ll be right back!
(Applause.)