Drive

Dear so and so…
How small I am on the highways
And on the plains, in the cars and in the malls
Through the speakers of foreign places, unknown spaces
Surrounded by vast expanse or whatever
And a shifting entourage of men
I’m always lighter, smaller, less hairy, more delicate
A sex-less body, a sex, just a little less body
Nothing is really mine here
The car and equipment it’s all rented
I keep buying coffee, water and weird sweaters
Just to own something
And sometimes I feel like I’m still when I’m moving, you know?
Even on stage I rage without moving
I see it in a Youtube video
Look! There my arm lifts
And then sort of instantly get self-concious
And starts falling back, down
Sort of sees itself and then retracts
As if saying for me
«She's so sorry, she’s so sorry»
With my entire body «She's so sorry»
I rest my forehead on the side window
Protecting my desire
The van does the drive for me
The van does the drive for me
We all do the same, each of us hidding, curled up
Like woollen girls with headphones guided by voices
I would never tell you this but sometimes
When I listen to music in my headphones
The voice I’m listening to is my own
And some of those times I cry
Later I wake up to leaves hurling themselves
At the windscreen, and on stage I feel my body straighten
It’s not that I’ve found anything new, or anything
But… not that is original, but… I’ve got this feeling
All I want to do now is to make everybody cry
I want you all to cry with me
I want us all to cry together!
To let loose, to let go of ourselves
In the empty clubs and on the dancefloors
On the parking lots, on the highways
And through the speakers…
But what am I saying?
«I want you all to cry with me?»
Isn’t that just manipulation?
Am I just standing here doing exactly what
The big mainstream movies are doing?
Exactly what the big arena concerts are doing?
In the films when someone’s kissing at the end?
Or there’s an explosion? Just there
To manipulate you to feel something
And when they bring down the kissing in the rain
Or the violins, and you’re feeling something
But you don’t know why
Or let me rephrase that, you’re feeling something
But you don’t know who you are
Am I just that? There must be something else!
Let us call this what it really is, it’s just «my desire»
Because if we don’t, we’re just stuck in this manipulation
Because I’m saying this to you
And because I’m standing on a stage higher up than you
Then, I’m somehow more important
And can make you feel something, and I know it
And manipulate it, but I just want to show you things!
Here, here, here
Because if I’m not doing that, then, if nobody’s doing that
If we are all just working with manipulation
Then all we have as audiences are those moments
When we don’t know who we are
And if we are like that, then tell me
Who does your feeling?
Hello, my name is Desire, but that’s not a girl’s name