Heaven

O, Heaven, O, Heaven, the next Queens-bound train is two stations away
From Tvedestrand, my white gown that curls around the harbour fetal-style
I never was a girly girl, forgive me!
From the very back of the church choir I am standing, lone alto range
Girl in Black
The front row clasp their hands now, they’re singing with devotion
I separate from feeling, complex harmonic motion
I shut my mouth and ran away
Spot out that neoliberal, girly heart that held no blood and made no beat
Just vibrated sweetly in the chest
But I’m 33 now, that’s Jesus-age, and girl spaces come back to me
I want to sing religiously, you know, airy, more than necessary
Climbing the ladders just to fall, uncontrollably to Heaven
O, Heaven, I’m standing in a graveyard of girls
O Tvedestrand, O, white gown, the tombstones are so tall and hard
I want to sit on them, put death inside my body, I want
So much death inside my body!
Heaven, I’m sorry
I just want to feel
So much death, a hole to nowhere