Master Of The House

My band of soaks, my den of dissolute's,
My dirty jokes, my always pissed as newts.
My sons of whores spend there lives in my inn,
Homing pigeons homing in
They fly through my doors,
And they crawl out on all fours.
Welcome, Monsieur, sit yourself down
And meet the best innkeeper in town.
As for the rest, all of 'em crooks:
Rooking their guests and crooking the books.
Seldom do you see
Honest men like me.
A gent of good intent
Who's content to be.
Master of the house, doling out the charm,
Ready with a handshake and an open palm.
Tells a saucy tale, makes a little stir
Customers appreciate a bon-viveur.
Glad to do a friend a favor
Doesn't cost me to be nice.
But nothing gets you nothing
Everything has got a little price!
Master of the house, keeper of the zoo,
Ready to relieve 'em of a sou or two.
Watering the wine, making up the weight,
Pickin' up their knick-knacks when they can't see straight
Everybody loves a landlord
Everybody's bosom friend
I do whatever pleases Jesus!
Won't I bleed 'em in the end!
Master of the house, quick to catch yer eye,
Never wants a passerby to pass him by.
Servant to the poor, butler to the great,
Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate!
Everybody's boon companion,
Everybody's chaperone.
But lock up your valises Jesus!
Won't I skin you to the bone!
Food beyond compare.
Food beyond belief
Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef,
Kidney of a horse, liver of a cat.
Filling up the sausages with this and that
Residents are more than welcome.
Bridal suite is occupied,
Reasonable charges.
Plus some little extras on the side! (Oh Santa!)
Charge 'em for the lice, extra for the mice,
Two percent for looking in the mirror twice.
Here a little slice, there a little cut,
Three percent for sleeping with the window shut.
When it comes to fixing prices,
There are a lot of tricks I knows.
How it all increases, all them bits and pieces Jesus!
It's amazing how it grows!
(Oh, sorry love Let's get something done about that)
I used to dream that I would meet a prince,
But God Almighty, have you seen what's happened since?
Master of the house?
Isn't worth my spit!
Comforter, philosopher' and lifelong shit!
Cunning little brain, regular Voltaire,
Thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there.
What a cruel trick of nature landed me with such a louse,
God knows how I've lasted living with this bastard in the house!
Master of the house!
Master and a half!
Comforter, philosopher
Don't make me laugh!
Servant to the poor, butler to the great,
Hypocrite and toady and inebriate!
Everybody bless the landlord!
Everybody bless his spouse!
Everybody raise a glass,
Raise it up the master's arse.
Everybody raise a glass to the Master of the House!