Dualistic Nihilist

I’ve seen the end of it all
I was on my kitchen floor
With a knife held to my throat
Battles raging inside
The darkest waves crushing me slow
The soul replaced by the season’s change taking control
Forcing me down a road that I’ve never known
So completely alone
The shadow grows and tears the insides out
I have a history of burning myself out
Nightmares set to the beat of the years counting down
I lost myself in my own skin
With no feet on the ground I dove right into
A world that did not exist
Nobody saw this coming at first
As the year crept by I rose from the earth
No understanding of what I felt
A fever rising but I couldn’t tell what was happening to me
«You don’t seem yourself, I don’t think that you’re ok.»
Just follow me down a twisting, turning maze of thoughts
Exploding from a mind that just won’t stop
It’s all good that everything’s changed
It seems insane, they’ll understand someday
I know I’m right
I’m pulling the anchor down
And it’s getting darker now
I’m pulling the anchor down
Too low and now we all suffer
I’m pulling the anchor down
And you’re fighting harder now
But I’m pulling the anchor down
Sink with me, tonight I’m skipping town
By 10 O' Clock I’m gone
Into the night, southbound
I don’t belong here anymore
This all just feels so wrong
But at 90 miles an hour I felt strong
Heading towards the worst that I’d become
Dualistic annihilation, destroyer of foundation
A blackened force headed towards a devastation
Polarize the halves, a total separation
Slip through the cracks into false revelations
Electric currents control the path
Los Angeles highways confuse the map
It was laid out with perfection
But the plan’s rotten with infection
I was sure of where I was going
Until the lights started dimming
Alone in my car, the logic starts skipping
Exits the same in every direction
I don’t know where this high is heading
But I know I’m scared to end it
A series of events and new reality exists
Life turned inward, unpredictable shifts
Alone in the condition of flawed perspective
A disaster too complex, a virus to dissect
Too late to resurrect the spirit that left
The power of the heart navigates until the end
Sunset self-destruction with my trust on guard
Roam the streets alone in the eye of the storm
Enter the home where personalities split
Confusion persists and identities twist
The wires were crossed in impossible knots
And all was lost
Deny it all. Trust your heart when it’s raw
Follow the moon. Listen to your father’s call
He existed in the sky, for that moment in time
Watching me pace the halls in a fury of fire
Returning home to no relief
Transformed unrecognizably
The weapons are drawn for the ones in the trees
For a midnight walk with someone following
Awaken alone, dread soaking the sheets
Actions cause reactions, I don’t want to be me
To think of what I’ve lost is to look to the cause
The center of destruction, I’m locked in it’s jaws
Look to the side where no one resides
A hollow reflection of the passing of time
You did this to yourself, blame no one else
Heart beating you down, no one could help
Ingest the sedation
Avoid isolation
Get outside and adjust your vision
Confront the weight of your decisions
Run from the fear of a nightmare made real
From a dream that ends in swift, cold steel
You and I have climbed
A million miles, watched everything die
And I’ve been waiting all my life
For something to survive
Now, every day: «Did you eat?» «Did you sleep?»
Allowing you to hate me shows my
Love unconditionally
Refusing to hate you
Who are you and what have you done with my friend?
I’m afraid I’ve almost accepted
Nothing will ever be the same again
I feel violated, but is that misguided?
If I could tell you, one year ago today
That someday I would need you
Just as much as you needed me
To let me know I’m not alone
To not give up on me
Or let me give up on everyone
Save for save —
I’m gonna make sure you’re ok
Save for save
This rescue goes both ways
When the sky looks like the end of days
And when this is long behind us
What are we going to tell ourselves?
Recalling those days from Hell
Climbing mountains by myself
Pouring frantic tears and sweat
Turning strangers into friends
When I’m calling them for help
To protect you from yourself
Everyone else trying to live
Well, good for them — We are different
You and I are just trying to stay alive
But hours creep by one day at a time…
The panic of collapse, the dread of existence
Floods through the rivers of the nervous system
The pain saturates the depths of the mind
The outcome of war, a failure of design
Drowning in darkness
In a single room, confined
If there’s nothing beyond this
There’s an excess of time
Take a breath, but don’t sit back and reflect
Soldier down the road, try not to look back
Surrender to the horror of the past
Don’t dwell on when you chose the wrong path
But this is now, the present takes over
The wrath of regret weighs heavy on shoulders
Crawl through each moment to the end of every night
Stay in constant motion to keep the head right
But everything’s wrong, I’m not who I once was
Something’s been stolen, I can’t see the light
A fire in the eyes no longer burns bright
I’m prey for the animal that controls the light
Support systems can’t heal the condition
The expanding void of death’s incision
As days pass by, I fall further inside
Engage the impending end of this life
Spiral inwards, feel the burn of my internal eyes
On a path derailed with no end in sight