(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs

Oh, my God, how times have changed!
This girl’s either blind or completely deranged
Oh, but time seemed to halt
When I was Miss Baltimore Crabs
Childhood dreams for me were cracked
When that damn Shirley Temple stole my friggin' act!
But the crown’s in the vault
From when I won Miss Baltimore Crabs
Those poor runner-ups might still hold some grudges
They padded their cups, but I screwed the judges
Those broads thought they’d win
If a plate they would spin in their dance
Ha! Not a chance!
'Cuz I hit the stage, batons ablaze!
While belting high Cs and preparing soufflés!
But that triple somersault
Is how I clinched Miss Baltimore Crabs!
Proceed
Are you scared we’re on live?
No, I’m sure I can cope
Well, this show isn’t broadcast in-
CinemaScope!
I never drank one chocolate malt-
No, no desserts for Miss Baltimore Crabs
How many sweaters do you own?
Well, I’m sure, I’ve got plenty
Let me see, I have three, five
No, wait, I have twenty!
I would say, «Oy, gevalt!»
If I wasn’t Miss Baltimore Crabs!
A tycoon I wed, so cuddly and funny
They all fought rock-dead, but left tonnes of money
So I bought this station
So all of our nation could see
Baby Amber, and me!
Do you dance like you dress?
Amber, there’s no need to be cruel
Would you swim in an integrated pool?
I sure would! I’m all for integration. It’s the new frontier!
Not in Baltimore, it isn’t
And may I be frank?
(sung)
First impressions can be tough and when I saw you, I knew it
If your size weren’t enough, your last answer just blew it!
And so, my dear, so short and stout
You’ll never be in-
So we’re kicking you out!
You can’t get past me kid, but it isn’t your fault
It’s hard to get rid of Miss Baltimore Crabs! Ha haaa!
(spoken)
Oh, you may go
Uh, thank you?
Gee Tracy, that went well!
Hello may I please audition?
No, but you can bow and exalt
(sung)
'Cause I am Miss Baltimore Crabs!
Crabs, crabs!
Crabs!