Slow Motion Man

I saw your picture in the pointless magazine
You wear your weapons well
You’ve got a future as a killing machine
As far as I can tell
I’m sure your driver does the best he can
He does whatever it takes
But I, I put my money on Slow Motion Man
Because he never puts on the brakes
And it’s all part of the plan
When you hire Slow Motion Man
Can he devise your lesson plan?
Why yes, he can!
And it takes such a long time
To arrive home when he drives
And he drives so slow, you slowly go mad
And if you’re looking for the noughties' mistletoe
I know just what it takes
Sign this disclaimer just before you go
Because I make mistakes
I cannot save you from drowning in jealousy
If you refuse to believe
What’s in your heart is a fallacy
What’s in your mind can never leave
And it’s the products from Japan
That are confounding Slow Motion Man
And he strives to make your wishes his command
But it takes 6−8 weeks
To get closure when he speaks
And he speaks in a voice that drives you mad
And I can see from my perch on the highest tree
You hid the feelings you felt
And you forsook me for a dollar tree
Before I could even take off my belt
And now the weather has turned a few degrees
And we must part for the year
Please don’t expect me to remember memories
I leave them all right here
And it’s the meals from a can
Giving life to Slow Motion Man
As he sends directions to an endless caravan
And he dies such a long death
They will enshrine his final breath
And he breathes so heavy, it makes you bleed