30

So, um… I’ve been working on this special now for six months. And…
the whole time, I’ve had a… a goal in mind, which is: I wanted to finish
this thing before I turned 30… um, because the idea of… of turning 30 while
still in this fucking room, working on this thing alone, um… That just seemed.
. I just wanted to avoid that. So… And you might be thinking, «Well,
that’s fine. You know, look at you. You radiate such youth. You must not be
turning 30 for years.» And that’s very, uh, nice of you to say. But the truth
is, um, I turn 30 in less than a minute. So I’m just gonna sit here and enjoy…
uh, my twenties, and then get back to wor… k
Yay
I used to run for miles, I used to ride my bike
I used to wake up with a smile
And go to bed at night with a dream, ahh!
But now I’m turning thirty
No!
I used to be the young one, got used to meeting people
Who weren’t used to meeting someone who was born in 1990
No way! (Yeah, I was born in 1990)
Now I’m turning thirty
God, God damn it!
I’m (Turning thirty, turning thirty)
Turning (Turning thirty, turning thirty)
Thirty (Turning thirty, turning thirty)
I’m turning thirty (Turning thirty, turning thirty)
When he was twenty-seven, my granddad fought in Vietnam
When I was twenty-seven, I built a birdhouse with my mom
Oh, fuck, how am I thirty?
I used to make fun of the boomers; in retrospect, a bit too much
Now all these fucking zoomers are telling me that I’m out of touch
Oh yeah? Well, your fucking phones are poisoning your minds. Okay?
So when you develop a dissociative mental disorder in your late twenties,
don’t come crawling back to m-
I’m (Turning thirty, turning thirty)
Turning (Turning thirty, turning thirty)
Thirty (Turning thirty, turning thirty)
I’m turning thirty (Turning thirty, turning thirty)
And now my stupid friends are having stupid children
My stupid friends are having stupid children
My stupid friends are having stupid children
My stupid friends are having stupid children
And now my stupid friends are having stupid children
My stupid friends are having stupid children
My stupid friends are having stupid children
Stupid, fucking ugly, boring children
It’s 2020, and I’m thirty, I’ll do another ten
2030, I’ll be forty and kill myself then