You're The Worst

My friend, I know you best
But I like you anyway
And a real pal tells the truth
Warts and all the way
Instead of a phony toast
You deserve an honest roast
So let’s all raise a glass
To my favorite pain in the ass
(spoken)
To Sir Toby Belch!
To Sir Toby Belch!
(sung)
You’re the worst
You’re a slouch
Here we go…
A potato gone bad on the couch
You’re a leech
And a glut
And your ego’s as big as your gut
Your burps are so famous they’re part of your name
You smell like perfume made of whiskey and shame
So let me tell you first
That you are the worst
You are the worst!
Who is the worst?
Toby’s the worst!
A mellifluous voice, as I am true knight
To Sir Andrew!
To Sir Andrew!
You’re the worst
You’re the worst!
You’re a drag
Can’t flirt your way out of a paper bag
You’re a wimp
And naive
It says gullible there on your sleeve
Where?
So you think you can dance
But trust me, you can’t
You’ve the wit of a toad and the brain of an ant
So let me tell you first
That you are the worst!
You are the worst
Who is the worst?
Andrew’s the worst!
What a caterwauling do you keep here!
For the love o' God, peace!
To Maria!
To Maria!
You’re the worst!
You’re the…
And you got…
(spoken)
Actually, Maria’s kind of the best, I got nothing
Anyone?
(Murmuring in agreement)
No, yeah, she’s pretty great. / Can’t think of anything readily.
/ Hmm, you’re right
To Feste!
To Feste!
(sung)
You’re the worst
You’re the worst
You’re a fool!
Clever
And you think you’re just too cool for school
You’re a smart-ass
A smart-ass!
And a bum
Bum-bum!
And your jokes are all pretty dumb
Now who’s dumb?
You try too sincerely to please every crowd
And you play the accordion for crying out loud
It’s a beautiful instrument!
So let me tell you first
That you are the worst!
You are the worst!
Who is the worst?
Feste’s the worst!
No, I’m the worst!
No, I’m the worst!
Feste said that I’m the worst!
Ladies, ladies, you’re both pretty much the worst
Good friends have x-ray vision
They see through the mask that you wear
Good friends laugh in derision
To show you that they care!
(Enter MALVOLIO, cutting off the music like a record scratch)
My masters, are you mad? Do you make an alehouse of my lady’s house?
Is there no respect of place, persons, nor time in you?
To Malvolio!
To Malvolio!
(Flattered)
To me?
You’re the worst
You’re the worst
The worst?!
You’re a frown
Have you no manners?
And you poop every party in town
You’re a snob
Sir Toby, I must be-
And a snitch
I must be round with you-
A high-horse-ridin' son of a bitch
Gun!
You think just cause you never had any fun
That everyone else shall also have none!
I’m sure I’m not the first to say
You’re the worst
You are the worst!
I am not the worst!
Malvolio’s the worst
He’s actually the worst though
You are the worst
Let’s hear it for your true friends
Who tell ya straight to your face
That you’re a disgrace!
Hear hear!